Dark Place Entry 2

Having a great amount of emotion can really help a writer.  It allows us to give our characters personalities.  We understand being cold, bitter, angry, loving, happy, thoughtful, provocative, etc., but there’s a feeling that I always think I have more than anyone else, sadness.

I don’t know what it is about weekends, but they are not good for me.  I try to do everything to keep myself busy, to keep my mind from wandering back over the depressing thoughts.  Nothing works.

Ok, so I’m seeing a doctor, a therapist, I’m seeking advice from people I know, I’m trying everything I can to change this ache inside.  I’m alone, all alone, no matter what people say, or think, I’m alone.  I don’t have people calling or texting; I don’t have people asking how I feel, or what’s wrong.  Just one person asks those questions, me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I’m an emotional person.  I’m glad I have feelings and that I actually do care about people, including people I don’t even know and haven’t even met.  I just wish the depression wasn’t a part of me.  It’s becoming a burden to have to carry with me each day.  Honestly, it’s a heavy weight. 

I haven’t left my house since December.  Oh, I go to work, but basically, nowhere else.  And if I do go somewhere, it takes a lot of strength.  And as I said earlier, I am trying to get help.  I just hope someone out there will know how to help someone like me who is so far gone.  I’m a recluse.  I’m scared. 

Whenever you see me online, just know that I’m trying to push the darkness behind me.  Even communication with people across the internet is good for me, good for my mental health.  I just wish I had a friend who could be here with me.  I wish I had someone to share things with, to laugh with, to go to dinner with, to just take a ride in the car.

Tomorrow will give me a little more relief.  It’s Monday, I’ll go back to work.  I’ll be around people.  And for five days I’ll be able to wear the face I’m supposed to.  But the one thing I should be looking forward to, the weekend, is my nightmare.  That’s when I go back to being alone.